Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, “Seven Points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”

The old man replied, “It’s Fart Football.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score…”

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.” Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, “What the hell was that?”

The old man says, “Half time, switch sides!”

Killer Chili

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented “you’re definitely going to $h!t yourself” chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No “Watson’s Movement 2.” Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as “thunder and lightning.”

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that “Uh oh, gotta go” pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened: The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body and I began to move up the aisle and out of it just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry be es. This, of course, made me feel terrible but then made me laugh. …….BIG mistake!!!!!

Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things “clamped down,” if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. “It” was coming and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john and began the inevitable “Oh my God,” floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of “Shock and Awe.” He made a gagging sound and disgustedly said, “Sonofabitch!” then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom I reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, “Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.”

That, of course, set me off again causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose, and pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, “IT’S YOU!” then ran off, returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

Now, That’s Cold!

There were three Eskimos in Alaska sitting in a local bar. They got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo’s igloo, where he said “Watch this!” and poured a cup of water into the air. Naturally, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.

“Not bad”, said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

They went to the second Eskimo’s igloo, and he said “Watch this!” and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

“Wow, that’s colder than mine!” said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

So they ended up at the third Eskimo’s igloo. He said “Watch this!” and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went “FFFAAAARRRRTTT”.

Famous Baked Beans

Mrs. Brown is the church Matron, and she has become very famous for the baked beans she makes for every picnic or church potluck. The annual Mother’s Day Pot Luck Dinner was tomorrow, and as usual Mrs. Brown set about preparing her baked beans for the meal. She had set everything to going on the stove, and was called away to the door.

Mrs. Brown’s son Billy came running into a freshly waxed kitchen, with his BB Gun in one hand and a fist full of BB’s in the other. He slipped on the freshly waxed floor, and wouldn’t you know it, the BB’s flew right into the pot of baking beans. Mrs. Brown walked into the kitchen and scolded little Billy for running indoors, but not wanting to get into any further trouble he said nothing about the BB’s going into the pot of simmering beans.

The next day came, and the Pot Luck was an enormous success. As usual, Mrs. Brown’s beans were the favorites and were quickly eaten all up. Not a single bean left in the pot. The next morning Mrs. Brown receives a phone call from the church secretary.

“Mrs. Brown,” she says, “Um, I loved your beans as always, but did you perhaps add anything, or change your recipe?”

Mrs. Brown replied, “Why No, it was the same recipe as I always prepare, Why?”

The secretary says, “Well, um, I bent over to feed my cat this morning, and I shot the canary!”

Windbreakers Categorized

  • The Vain Person: One who loves the smell of his own farts.
  • The Amiable Person: One who loves the smell of other peoples farts.
  • The Proud Person: One who thinks hisfarts are exceptionally fine.
  • The Shy Person: One who releases silent farts and then blushes.
  • The Impudent Person: One who farts loudly and then laughs.
  • The Scientific Person: One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about air pollution.
  • The Unfortunate Person: One who tries awfully hard to fart but shits instead.
  • The Nervous Person: One who stops in the middle of a fart.
  • The Honest Person: One who admits he farted but offers a medical reason for it.
  • The Dishonest Person: One who farts and then blames the dog.
  • The Foolish Person: One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
  • The Thrifty Person: One who always has several farts in reserve.
  • The Antisocial Person: One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
  • The Strategic Person: One who conceals his farts with loud laughter.
  • The Sadistic Person: One who farts in bed and then fluffs the bedcovers over his bed mates head.
  • The Intellectual Person: One who determines from the smell of his neighbor’s fart precisely the latest food item he consumed.
  • The Athletic Person: One who farts at the slightest exertion.
  • The Miserable Person: One who would truly love to but can’t fart at all.
  • The Sensitive Person: One who farts and then bursts into tears.
  • The Bruiser: One who farts so hard and loud that he bruises his butt cheeks.

The Real Fart Chart

Note to all Users:

    All farts are divided into two groups:

    1. Your Farts
    2. Somebody Else’s Farts

  • THE ANTICIPATED FART:
    This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.

  • THE BACK SEAT FART:
    This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its odor is foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves round in a car. And then someone will say, “Who farted in the back seat?”

  • THE BARRED OWL FART:
    A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It’s a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl Fart.

  • THE BULLET FART:
    Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.

  • THE COMMAND FART:
    This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.

  • THE COMMON FART:
    This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this fart any further.
  • THE CUSHIONED FART:
    A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.
  • THE DUD FART:
    The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It’s a fart that fails. For this reason it is stricly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn’t. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.
  • THE ECHO FART:
    This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.
  • THE G AND L FART:
    This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.
  • THE GHOST FART:
    A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.
  • THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART:
    This is strictly an old lady’s fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, “My, my”, or “Well, well”. There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person’s fart as there is.
  • THE JERK FART:
    The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.
  • THE JOHN FART:
    The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person’s trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.
  • THE LEAD FART:
    The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess.
  • THE MALTED MILK BALL FART:
    Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.
  • THE OH-MY-GOD FART:
    This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts – a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg – as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh shit, which would be understandable.
  • THE OMEN FART:
    This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.
  • THE ORGANIC FART:
    Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.
  • THE QUIVER FART:
    A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.
  • THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART:
    You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.
  • THE RELIEF FART:
    Sound or odor don’t matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, “Wow, what a relief”. Very common.
  • THE RELUCTANT FART:
    This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.
  • THE RUSTY GATE FART:
    The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.
  • THE S.B.D. FART:
    S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.
  • THE SANDPAPER FART:
    This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.
  • THE SKILLSAW FART:
    A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.
  • THE SONIC BOOM FART:
    The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.
  • THE SPLATTER FART:
    Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.
  • THE STUTTER FART:
    If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can’t seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out far that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.
  • THE TACO BELL FART:
    The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up.

Spot

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he’d been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

“SPOT!” called out the young woman’s mother to the family dog, lying at the young man’s feet.

Relieved at the dog’s having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. “Spot!” she called out sharply.

“I’ve got it made,” thought the fellow to himself. One more and I’ll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

“Spot!” shrieked the mother. “Get over here before he craps on you!”