A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar… So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear….”

Rules Kids Won’t Learn At School

Unfortunately there are some things that children should be learning in school, but don’t. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest-back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found their way into the standard curriculum.

  • Rule #1
    Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the phrase “it’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often, you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.
  • Rule #2
    The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it’s not fair. (See Rule No. 1)
  • Rule #3
    Sorry, you won’t make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label.
  • Rule #4
    If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’till you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.
  • Rule #5
    Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.
  • Rule #6
    It’s not your parents fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It’s my life,” and “You’re not the boss of me,” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your dime. Don’t whine about it or you’ll sound like a baby boomer.
  • Rule #7
    Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.
  • Rule #8
    Life is not divided into semesters, and you don’t get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new lease on life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.
  • Rule #9
    Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom, nor a soap opera. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.
  • Rule #10
    Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
  • Rule #11
    Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

Murphy’s Laws for Parents

  • The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
  • Leakproof thermoses–will.
  • The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
  • The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
  • The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
  • Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
  • The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look. [By definition]
  • Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
  • Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
  • Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

Great Truths About Life that Adults Have Learned

  • Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
  • There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
  • Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
  • The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere…and let the air out of their tires.
  • Families are like fudge…mostly sweet with a few nuts.
  • Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
  • The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
  • If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.
  • Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
  • You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Genealogy Quips

  • My family coat of arms ties at the back … is that normal?
  • My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated.
  • My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!
  • Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
  • My hobby is genealogy, I raise dust bunnies as pets.
  • How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE?!
  • I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap …
  • I’m not stuck, I’m ancestrally challenged.
  • I’m searching for myself; Have you seen me?
  • If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help …
  • Isn’t genealogy fun? The answer to one problem leads to two more!
  • It’s 2000 … Do you know where your G-G-Grandparents are?
  • A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.
  • A family tree can wither if nobody tends it’s roots.
  • A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away.
  • After 30 days unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.
  • Am I the only person up my tree … sure seems like it.
  • Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a few bad apples.
  • Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?
  • FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.
  • Gene-Allergy: It’s a contagious disease but I love it.
  • Genealogists are time unravelers.
  • Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide … I seek!
  • Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.
  • “Crazy” is a relative term in my family.
  • A pack rat is hard to live with but makes a fine ancestor.
  • I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand.
  • I Should have asked them BEFORE they died!
  • I think my ancestors had several “Bad heir” days.
  • I’m always late. My ancestors arrived on the JUNEflower.
  • Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards, as progress.
  • Share your knowledge, it is a way to achieve immortality.
  • Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!
  • It’s an unusual family that hath neither a lady of the evening or a thief.
  • Many a family tree needs pruning.
  • Shh! Be very, very quiet … I’m hunting forebears.
  • Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!
  • That’s strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN!
  • I’m not sick, I’ve just got fading genes.
  • Genealogists live in the past lane.
  • Cousins marrying cousins: Very tangled roots!
  • Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree
  • Alright! Everybody out of the gene pool!
  • Always willing to share my ignorance …
  • Documentation …The hardest part of genealogy.
  • Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!
  • Genealogy … will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?
  • That’s the problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards
  • I researched my family tree … and apparently I don’t exist!


A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

New from CBS

Have you heard about the next planned “Survivor” show?

Six men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports AND takes music, dance or lessons on both.

There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and take care of a pet cat and dog.

The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.

The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off based on performance.

The winner gets to go back to his job.

Adult Resignation

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.

  • I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant.
  • I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
  • I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
  • I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.
  • I want to return to a time when life was simple.
  • All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
  • I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
  • I want to believe that anything is possible.

So….here’s my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause, “Tag! You’re it.”

Be A Kid Again

  • Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today.
  • Dot all your “i”‘s with smiley faces.
  • Sing into your hairbrush.
  • Grow a milk mustache.
  • Smile back at the man in the moon.
  • Read the funnies–throw the rest of the paper away.
  • Dunk your cookies.
  • Play a game where you make up the rules as you go along.
  • Order with eyes that are bigger than your stomach.
  • Open a pack of cupcakes and give one to a friend even though you wanted both of them for yourself.
  • Step carefully over sidewalk cracks.
  • Change into some play clothes.
  • Try to get someone to trade you a better sandwich.
  • Have a staring contest with your cat.
  • Eat ice cream for breakfast.
  • Kiss a frog, just in case.
  • Give someone a “hug-around-the-neck.”
  • Blow the wrapper off a straw.
  • Refuse to eat crusts.
  • Make a face the next time somebody tells you “no.”
  • Watch TV in your pajamas.
  • Ask “Why?” a lot ~ Have someone read you a story.
  • Eat dessert first.
  • Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don’t match.
  • Sneak some frosting off a cake.
  • Refuse to back down in a “did vs. did-not argument.
  • Do a cartwheel.
  • Get someone to buy you something you don’t really need.
  • Hide your vegetables under your napkin.
  • Stay up past your bedtime.
  • Whatever you’re doing, stop once in a while for recess.
  • Wear red gym shoes.
  • Make a “slurpy” sound with your straw when you get to the bottom of a milkshake.
  • Put way too much sugar on your cereal.
  • Play a song you like really loud, over and over.
  • Find some pretty stones and save them.
  • Let the string all the way out on your kite.
  • Walk barefoot in wet grass.
  • Make cool screeching noises every time you turn a corner.
  • Count the colors in a rainbow.
  • Fuss a little, then take a nap.
  • Take a running jump over a big puddle.
  • Eat dinner at the coffee table.
  • Giggle a lot for no real reason.

Baby Problems

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn’t stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby’s ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

“Here’s the problem”, the Dr. said, “He needs to be changed!”

The father was very perplexed, “But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!