Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, “Seven Points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”

The old man replied, “It’s Fart Football.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score…”

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.” Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, “What the hell was that?”

The old man says, “Half time, switch sides!”

In My Day

Note: The Washington Post recently had a contest wherein participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they had had it “in the old days.” Winners, runners-up, and honorable mentions are listed below.

  • Second Runner-Up:
    In my day, we couldn’t afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
  • First Runner-Up:
    In my day, we didn’t have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you’d weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we’d use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn’t adjust our skates, which didn’t really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.
  • And the winner:
    In my day, we didn’t have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
  • Honorable Mentions:
  • In my day, we didn’t have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes.
  • In my day, we didn’t have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
  • In my day, we didn’t get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying ‘Doors closing.’ We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar.
  • In my day, we didn’t have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
  • Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.
  • Back in my day, ’60 Minutes’ wasn’t just a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 60-year-old guys.
  • In my day, we didn’t have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.
  • Back in my day, they hadn’t invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight.
  • In my day, we didn’t have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did.

The Good Old Days

People over 35 should be dead. Here’s why. According to today’s regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, or even maybe the early 70’s probably shouldn’t have survived.

  • Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
  • We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, …. and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
  • As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.
  • Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
  • We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!
  • We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
  • We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
  • We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
  • We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
  • No one was able to reach us all day. NO CELL PHONES!!!!!
  • We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.
  • We had friends! We went outside and found them.
  • We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
  • We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
  • They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?
  • We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
  • We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
  • We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
  • Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment.
  • Some students weren’t as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors!
  • Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
  • Our actions were our own.
  • Consequences were expected.
  • The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
  • This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
  • The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
  • We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you’re one of them!

Congratulations!

Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good !!!!!

People under 30 are WIMPS!

But First…

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it goes…

  • I decide to do work on the car, I start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I’m going to work on the car… BUT FIRST…
  • I’m going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I’ll just put the bills on my desk…. BUT FIRST…
  • I’ll take the trash out, but since I’m going to be near the mailbox, I’ll address a few bills…. Yes. Now, where is the checkbook? Oops.. there’s only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I’m going to look for those checks… BUT FIRST…
  • I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there’s my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I’ll just put them away… BUT
    FIRST…
  • I need to water those plants. I head for the door and… Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I’ll put the remote away and water the plants… BUT FIRST…
  • I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys,… And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I’m baffled because… I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition
is serious… I’d get help… BUT FIRST…

I think I’ll check my e-mail.

The New Alphabet for Older People

A’s for arthritis
B’s for bad back
C’s for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight–can’t read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I’d rather not mention)
And other gastrointestinal glitches
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches
J is for joints that are failing to flex
L’s for libido–what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K for bad knees
(I’ve got a few gaps in my M-memory)
N’s for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-
P’s for porosis
Q is for queasiness. Fatal? Just flu?
R is for reflux–one meal becomes two
S is for sleepless nights counting my fears
T is for tinnitus–bells in my ears
U is for difficulties urinary
V is for vertigo
W is worry
About what the X–as in X ray–will find
But through the word “terminal” rushes to mind,
I’m proud, as each
Y – year – goes by, to reveal
A reservoir of undiminished
Z – zeal— For checking the symptoms my body’s deployed
And keeping my twenty-six doctors employed.

I’m Not Old… Just Mature

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, “Because of the Seniors Discount.”

I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, “For you, Seniors, the coffee is free.”

Understand—I’m not old—I’m merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I’m sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer—can’t hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I’ve slowed down a bit… not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I’m not old… I’m only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don’t call it gray… saying “blond” is just right.

My car is all paid for… not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, “Old duffer… get off of the road!”
My car has no scratches… not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who’s “Hell bent.”

My friends all get older… much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I’ve got “character lines,” not wrinkles… for sure,
But don’t call me old… just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they’re building today
Are so high that they take… your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I’m keeping up on what’s hip and what’s new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I’m still in the running… in this I’m secure,
I’m not really old… I’m only mature.