Doggie Funeral

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”

Muldoon said “I’ll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”

Father Patrick asked, “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?”

Fundamentally Christian Dog

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about “normal” tricks.

Well, they said, “let’s try this out.”

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!”

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Your Dog is Barking

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone…

“Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back …

“Good morning, Mr. Williams…. Just called to say that I don’t *have* a dog.”

Wellness Tips We Can Learn From a Dog

  • Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
  • Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
  • When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
  • Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
  • When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.
  • Take naps and stretch before rising.
  • Run, romp and play daily.
  • Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
  • Be loyal.
  • Never pretend to be something you’re not.
  • If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
  • When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
  • Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
  • Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
  • On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
  • When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
  • No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout……run right back and make friends.
  • Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

How to Tell the Weather

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

  • If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it’s probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
  • If the dog’s fur looks like it’s been rubbed the wrong way, it’s probably windy.
  • If the dog has snow on his back, it’s probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.



(To the tune of “Sleigh Ride”)
Copyright 1996 Dogmama and Detroit Download Central

jingle, tingle, jingle, tingle, jingle tingle,

Just hear those dog tags jingling
Ring ting tingling too
Come on it’s lovely weather
For a walkie together with you

Oh it’s just like Iditarod
Pulling you on the ice
We’ve got the leashes in our mouths
We’re not gonna ask twice

Giddy-yup giddy-yup, giddy-yup let’s go
We’ll eat all the snow
We’ll drag you around till your cheeks glow
Giddy-yup giddy-yup, giddy-yup it’s grand
Tugging at your hand
We’re galloping after the scent of a doggie parade that’s grand

The other dogs are out there now
Making tracks in the snow
All the best smells are fading fast
To the park we must go

So grab that leash and hurry up
Anxious doggies are we
We’re loaded up with water
So we can mark every tree!


(to the tune of “Let it Snow”)
Copyright 1996 Dogmama and Detroit Download Central

Oh the snow in the yard is yellow
Thanks to our doggie fellow
But the droppings sink way down low
Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow!

So the scooper sits rusting outside
As we wait for Spring and “low tide”
The piles will wait down below
Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow!

In the warmth of the summer sun
We must scoop every day in the yard
But as soon as the winter comes
Finding the stuff gets quite hard

While the piles sit there fertilizing
Our backs aren’t exercising
Our rest is short, this we know
Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow!

New Dog Breeds Recognized by the AKC

  • Collie + Lhasa Apso
    Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
  • Spitz + Chow Chow
    Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
  • Pointer + Setter
    Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
  • Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
    Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
  • Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
    Peekasso, an abstract dog
  • Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
    Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
  • Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
    Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
  • Newfoundland + Basset Hound
    Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
  • Terrier + Bulldog
    Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
  • Bloodhound + Labrador
    Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
  • Malamute + Pointer
    Moot Point, owned by….oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway
  • Collie + Malamute
    Commute, a dog that travels to work
  • Deerhound + Terrier
    Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end
  • Bull Terrier + Shitzu
    Oh, never mind….

Martha Stewart is Stalking Your Dog If…

  • There’s potpourri hanging from his/her collar.
  • The dog’s nails have been cut with pinking shears.
  • The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.
  • The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.
  • That telltale lemon slice in the new silver waterbowl.
  • You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
  • Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
  • A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog’s crate.
  • Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool handknitted sweater with matching boots.
  • The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.

Markin’ Around the Christmas Tree

(to the tune of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”)

Markin’ around The Christmas Tree
What a doggie holiday
Just doin’ what comes naturally
Even though it’s Christmas Day

Markin’ around The Christmas Tree
Gotta squirt each present twice
Spreading our scent on all this stuff
It’s a doggie paradise

There may be some screaming when the humans rise at dawn
(but remember)
Grandma wraps her gifts in plastic
Hey – come on – it’s nothing drastic

Markin’ around the Christmas tree
We just do what boydogs do
Doin our duty gracefully
And we’ll share our loot with you

Markin’ around the Christmas tree
All precautions were in vain
We must own everything we see
So we stake our doggie claim

Markin’ around the Christmas tree
We don’t see the problem here
But if we’re caught we know that we
Will be dragged off by the ear

People shout and tell us we are evil little curs
(but remember)
We’re not trying to be snotty
YOU installed this indoor potty

Markin’ around the Christmas Tree
Gonna check our list off twice
When Santa visits, we know he
Can just sniff out who is NICE!