- I’m sorry.
You’ll be sorry.
- We need
- It’s your decision
The correct decision should be obvious by now.
- Do what you want
You’ll pay for this later.
- We need to talk
I need to complain
- Sure… go ahead
I don’t want you to.
- I’m not upset
Of course I’m upset, you moron!
- You’re … so manly
You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
- You’re certainly attentive tonight
Is sex all you ever think about?
- Be romantic, turn out the lights
I have flabby thighs.
- This kitchen is so inconvenient
I want a new house.
- I want new curtains
and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..
- Hang the picture there
NO, I mean hang it there!
- I heard a noise
I noticed you were almost asleep.
- Do you love me?
I’m going to ask for something expensive.
- How much do you love me?
I did something today you’re really not going to like.
- I’ll be ready in a minute.
Kick off your shoes and find a game on TV.
- Is my butt fat?
Tell me I’m beautiful.
- You have to learn to communicate.
Just agree with me.
- Are you listening to me!?
Too late, you’re dead.
- Was that the baby?
Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
- I’m not yelling!
Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
- Old world charm
Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light.
- Majestic setting
A long way from town, at end of dirt road.
- Options galore
Nothing is included in the price.
- Secluded hideaway
Directions to locate unclear.
- Some budget rooms
Sorry, already occupied.
- Explore on your own
At your own expense.
- Minutes From ???
No Phone in room
- Knowledgeable trip hosts
They’ve flown in an airplane before.
- No extra fees
No extras available.
- Bird Watchers Paradise
Your car’s paint will never be the same
- Nominal fee
- Superior accommodations
One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.
- All the amenities
Two chocolates, two shower caps.
- Just Like Home
No Maid service
Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.
- Gentle breezes
In hurricane alley.
- Light and airy
No air conditioning.
Theme park nearby.
- 24-hour bar
Ice cubes at additional cost (when available).
- Drunk = Spacially Perplexed
- Insane People = Comprehensibility Selective
- Insane People = Selectively Perceptive
- Bisexual = Sexually Non-preferential
- Bald = Folically Challenged
- Bald = Comb-Free
- Girl = Pre-Woman
- Short = Vertically Challenged
- Airhead = Reality Impaired
- Sarah Brightman = Alternatively Talented
- Dead = Metabolically Challenged
- Poor = Economically Deficient
- Poor = Economically Unprepared
- Slum = Economic Oppression Zone
- Hunter = Animal Assassin
- Old People = Gerentologically Advanced
- Homeless = Optionally Residential
- Hooker = Sexual-Care Provider
- Hooker = Sex Surrogate
- Housewife = Domestic Technician
- Handicapped = Differently Abled
- Deaf = Visually Oriented
- Blind = Photonically Non-receptive
- Drug Addict = Chemically Challenged
- Ugly = Attractively Impaired
- Obnoxious = Charismatically Impeded
A high rock shelf
Our daughter’s brother
A person who is usually write
A history of cars
a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y
Patient rooms at the rear of a hospital
What every fisherman wants
To take your time
A dog who enjoys riding in a automobile
What a medium falls into
A grief resume
A prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope
De lowest card in de deck
Words that name things, not de verbs, de adjectives, etc.
Repeating what your doctor told you in your own words
A mother dog
What a gardener does to your hedge
A topographical error
Someone who pretends to be a gangster
An eat wave
What Huck Finn did when he played hookey
What the acorn said when it grew up
What it takes to build a good fire
A ready-to-use hat
A suspended sentence
Transporting a wig
What the posse did to the lady rustler
A guy who won’t let well enough alone
What a boy says to his father on the telephone
Under the whether
Where campers sleep
What the runners behind in a race want to do
Your brother’s boat
A gown worn while sitting on the grass
The edge of a cliff
Center engine of a three-engine fast plane
A very small mother
Cheapest price for calling long distance
What Washington asked his spies to do
A housing development for pandas
Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon
Found on the sides of fish
Letting off esteem
An advocate of teen-agers rights
Lady of the street too young to vote
Section of a book about male sheep
A tip on a horse race or sporting event
A person who jumps to contusions
What you do with cake batter
A town underneath another town
A year after nineure
How you feel crossing the desert on a hot day
A fishhook without a worm
A big animal vit tusks vot lives in vater
A person who protects trucks
A high-strung musician
What you ask when you’re lost
What a cowboy does very carefully
Where a gopher goes to buy a home
A banker provided by nature.
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
News that travels at the speed of sound.
The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
A book which people praise, but do not read.
It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master’s.
Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
The name men give to their mistakes.
The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
- Atom Bomb
An invention to end all inventions.
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
A guy no different from the rest… except that he got caught.
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
- Software Engineer
Someone who is paid for reading this !!!
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
- Ego Surfing
Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one’s own name.
- Swiped Out
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. (And it only happens when you only have $.23 cents in your wallet)
- GOOD Job
A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”
The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.
“REAL” mail that the post office actually sends PS. In the US, Personal snail mail has dropped 10% last because of email.
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce. Marriage with no kids, no property and no regrets.
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
- Mouse Potato
The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato. ARE YOU ONE?
The act of forgetting someone’s name immediately upon being introduced.
To cough during a play or concert, causing other people around you to cough.
To be so drunk as to forget you’re the President’s daughter.
Mental distress in males inspired by thoughts of surgically-removed penises.
Completely cooked waffle iron runoff.
The ability to secretly leave behind body odor in an elevator to be blamed on the next person who enters.
Finding one’s Day Planner suddenly very, very, open.
Group phone sex.
A discussion held by two people who are continuing to move away from each other.
The compulsive need to review the contents of one’s handkerchief following a good nose-blow.
The fraction of a second in which one may recover a toppled beverage before any liquid spills out.
The compulsion to spend time in math class spelling “BOOBIES” on an upside-down calculator.
Any breed of dog so small it can be terrorized by the average-sized house cat.
The curved line on a windshield caused by a little nick in an old wiper blade.
- Chainsaw Consultant
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
- Cube Farm
An office filled with cubicles.
- Idea Hamsters
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
- Computer Potato
The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
- SITCOMs (Single Income, Two Children, Outrageous Mortgage)
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
- Squirt the Bird
To transmit a signal to a satellite.
- Starter Marriage
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
- Stress Puppy
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
- Swiped Out
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
- Xerox Subsidy
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.
What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
Dad, when he gets a cold.
Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.
a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.
Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.
- Bed and Breakfast
Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
- Car Pool
Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.
Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.
Act of preparing food for consumption.
Mom’s other name.
- Couch Potato
What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
- Drinking Glass
Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
Insideous interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
- Dust Rags
See “DAD’S UNDERWEAR.”
A place where kids store dirt.
What kids do between meals, but not at them.
- Empty Nest
See “Wishful Thinkng.”
Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
- Excuse Me
One of Mom’s favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be “put out” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question “What’s for dinner tonight?” See “Sarcasm”.
A type of food.
How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.
A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
Amazingly, all of Mom’s kids.
Adhesive for the hair.
A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
- Homemade Bread
An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.
Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
- “I Said So”>BR?
Reason enough, according to Mom.
When all the kids stay at friends’ homes for the night.
Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
Slang for “Gee Mom, isn’t there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?”
- Joy Ride
Going somewhere without the kids.
The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.
- Lemonade Stand
Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
An “exaggeration” Mom uses to transform her child’s papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.
See “Kids’ Friends”
Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”
A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it’s turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.
Main element of Mom’s favorite movies.
A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.
What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.
- Overstuffed Recliner
Mom’s nickname for Dad.
Where children who don’t eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.
A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.
A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find beacuse they’re buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it’s in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear “the geeky thing.”
Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
- Room Mother
A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
- School Play
Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reinactments of famous historic events.
Home P.A. system.
Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids’ faces.
- Spoiled Rotten
What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, fly and even pneumonia.
- Sunday Best
Attractive, expensive children’s clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
- Teacher Conference
A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child’s “special needs.”
- Terrible Two’s
Having both kids at home all summer.
- “That Way”
How kids shouldn’t look at moms if they know what’s good for them. Also applies to how they talk.
See “Floor Coverings”
A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.
An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
See “Bubble Bath”
Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be “Just like Daddy.”
Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
- Washing Machine
Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
- “When your father gets home…”
Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.
Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid’s lunch box even more mortifying.
Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also “DRUMS”
- Yard Sale
Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids’s outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can’t bear to part with.
What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also “YAHOO!”
Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.
Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
- LOG ON: making da vood stove hotter
- LOG OFF: don’t add no more vood
- MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove
- MEGAHERTZ: vhen da big log drops on your barefoot in da morning
- FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from pilingk too much vood
- RAM: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vork
- HARD DRIVE: getting home during most of da vinter
- PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season
- ENTER: come on in
- WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets below zero
- SCREEN: vhat you gotta fix on da windows during black fly season
- CHIP: vhat ya munch during Vikings games
- MICROCHIP: vhat’s left in da bag vhen da chips are gone
- MODEM: vhat ya did to da hay fields last Yuly
- DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix’s wife
- LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit
- KEYBOARD: vhere ya suppose to hang da keys so da Misses can find em
- SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utensils, ya?
- MOUSE: vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboard
- MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna dat holds up da roof
- PORT: vhere da commercial fishin guys tie up dere boats
- DOCKING STATION: da same as PORT
- RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can’t remember how much ya spent on da new deer rifle vhen da wife asks about it
The study of paintings
The back door of a cafeteria
What doctors do when patients die
A letter like A, E, I, O, or U
- Caesarean Section
A neighborhood in Rome
- CAT Scan
Searching for Kitty
Made eye contact with her
A sheep dog
- D & C
Where Washington is
To live long
Not a friend
- G.I. Series
A soldier’s ball game
A coat hook
Distinguished, well known
- Labor Pain
Getting hurt at work
- Medical Staff
A doctor’s cane
A higher offer
Cheaper than day rates
Was aware of
A person who fainted
- Pap Smear
A parenthood test
A cousin to Elvis
A letter carrier
- Recovery Room
A place to do upholstery
Dang near killed ’em
A Roman emperor
A small table
- Terminal Illness
Getting sick at a computer
More than one
Opposite of “You’re out”
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