Ted just finished his training session at the local McDonald’s. So he was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time. His first customer ordered a milkshake. “Ted,” his manager said, “remember to say, ‘Welcome to McDonald’s’ to each customer before they order.”
His second customer ordered a cheeseburger. This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, “Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order.”
At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Ted at the register and pointed a gun in his face. “Give me all the money you got in that register kid!”
Ted took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly said, “Would you like that for here or to go?”
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say…”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are “unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,” committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don’t know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titled “How Not to Rob a Bank,” by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac. Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren’t followed:
- Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don’t follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don’t want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
- Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
- Don’t sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber’s signature and account number.
- Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his “weapon.”
- Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, “I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope.” The teller said, “All I’ve got is two twenties.” The robber took them and left.
- Don’t advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
- Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
- Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller’s car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
- Don’t be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places — as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
- Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported.
An man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly the light turned yellow just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, flipped him the bird while screaming in frustration that she missed her chance to get through the intersection because of him.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted
back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!!!”
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: “May I see your driver’s license?”
Driver: “I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.”
Officer: “May I see the registration for this vehicle?”
Driver: “It’s not my car. I stole it.”
Officer: “The car is stolen?”
Driver: “That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.”
Officer: “There’s a gun in the glove box?”
Driver: “Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.”
Officer: “There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?”
Driver: “Yes, sir.”
Hearing this, the officer immediately called for back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: “Sir, can I see your license?”
Driver: “Sure. Here it is.”
It was valid.
Captain: “Who’s car is this?”
Driver: “It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.”
The driver owned the car.
Captain: “Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?”
Driver: “Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.”
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: “Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.”
Driver: “No problem.”
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: “I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.”
Driver: “And I bet he told you I was speeding, too!”
America’s jailbirds don’t give up. Disappointed by the criminal justice system, this plucky lot still has faith in the civil side. Last year, the states spent $81 million defending what state attorneys general called frivolous lawsuits. Here are a few favorites:
- A Virginia inmate tried to sue himself for $5 million on the grounds that he had gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his religious beliefs by committing a crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the $5 million.
- A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a “defective haircut” by an unqualified barber.
- A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.
- A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights were violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U.S. Postal Service.
- An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could not say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its practices were secret.
- An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that prison employees held for a guard leaving his job.
- An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Rogain for his baldness.
- An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.
- An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.
- A Colorado con sued for early release because “everyone knows a con only serves about three years of a 10-year sentence.”
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
“Well, then we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.”
“Alright, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Because I’m drunk.”
A dyslexic cop is severely reprimanded by his captain because the spelling on his police reports is incomprehensible. “How can you expect anyone to read this! If you file just one more report with any and I mean *ANY* words misspelled, you are going on report!” screams the captain.
The cop vows not to make any more mistakes. The next day he is in his patrol car when a report of a traffic accident comes over his two way radio. He arrives on the scene to discover a grisly head-on collision. The cop takes out his notebook and begins to write, taking care to spell each word correctly.
“One, O-N-E. Ford, F-O-R-D. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H.”
“That’s good,” thinks the cop as he walks across the street to the other vehicle.
“One, O-N-E. Dodge, D-O-D-G-E. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H.”
“I am doing great!” says the cop out loud as he confidently walks to the middle of the highway, where he discovers a decapitated head.
“One, O-N-E. Head, H-E-A-D. In the boulevard, B-O-L … B-L-U …B-O-L-L … B-I-L …”
Finally, the frustrated cop looks around, then kicks the head with his boot, and writes, “One head in the D-I-T-C-H.”
Cumquatly yer under arrest