Holiday Shopping Rules

  • Rule No. 1
    When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don’t signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
  • Rule No. 2
    Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
  • Rule No. 3
    In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up halfway and stop on the line, taking both.
  • Rule No. 4
    As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
  • Rule No. 5
    Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.
  • Rule No. 6
    When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.
  • Rule No. 7
    When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
  • Rule No. 8
    When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rule applies to picking up and discharging passengers.
  • Rule No. 9
    When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
  • Rule No. 10
    If you have handicapped license plates, use up a regular parking spot.
  • Rule No. 11
    If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like “Mr. Good Guy,” and park somewhere else.
  • Rule No. 12
    If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
  • Rule No. 13
    When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow “ENTER ONLY” driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
  • Rule No. 14
    When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
  • Rule No. 15
    Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.
  • Rule No. 16
    Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While you’re at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy’s or McDonald’s bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
  • Rule No. 17
    If you are forced to change an infant’s diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
  • Rule No. 18
    When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
  • Rule No. 19
    When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into another car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.
  • Rule No. 20
    When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
  • Rule No. 21
    When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.
  • Rule No. 22
    When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car’s alarm makes a sudden loud “BLOOP BLEEP” that scares the crap out of them.
  • Rule No. 23
    If you don’t see a speed limit sign posted in the mall’s parking lot, there isn’t any!
  • Rule No. 24
    If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn’t with it, take out a piece of paper and start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, “There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They think I’m writing my name, address, and phone number.”

Driving Rules

  1. Turn signals will give away your next move. Don’t bother using them or noticing when someone else does. A little respect goes a long way and we wouldn’t want that taking the extreme aggressiveness off of our roads!
  2. Drive three inches behind the car in front of you even if you are in the far right lane… they don’t want to see your headlights anyways so you will be doing them a courtesy. It’s not like this ever causes accidents or anything.
  3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow and should be done often. Also refer back to Rule #1.
  4. Lights: Yellow light means ‘Floor it!’ If the light just turned red it is okay to go through it still. The faster you drive through the red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. If you end up behind some asshole who slows down for a yellow light, get very angry and honk your horn at them while swearing.
  5. Never, ever, come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want to piss the guy off behind you and have your insurance company pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.
  6. A lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you in the soon-to-be-closed lane as you responsibly sit in the proper lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels. Don’t attempt to stop your car on the line so these creeps can’t
    pass you; it only makes them honk their horn and give you dirty looks as they drive on the closed part of the road to get around you.
  7. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork (That’s one out of every 20 out here.) They have obviously been in many accidents and probably are under-insured if at all.
  8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. This is to be done especially fast right after changing lanes and cutting someone off.
  9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a great way to scare people entering the highway.
  10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforcable. If it says 55 MPH, you should be doing at least 70. Anyone doing less than that will be tailgated, harrassed, and passed on all sides.
  11. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
  12. Need a shortcut when traffic is high? Simply drive down the center ‘suicide lane.’ It’s completely safe and no cop will ever give you a hard time about it. On the freeway? Just take the carpool lane or the space to the left or right of the ‘real’ lanes.
  13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
  14. Learn to swerve abruptly. Most truckers don’t have any idea how to load their trucks so be prepared to dodge pallets, boxes, and even couches! Abrubt swerving is also a fun and safe way to change lanes quickly and instantly! (Once again refer to rule #1)
  15. Always honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes.
  16. Always assume a green light is going to turn red just before you get to it; speed up when approaching an intersection.
  17. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
  18. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, yell at their kids, and run you off of the road in their SUV’s, at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
  19. Flipping someone the bird is considered a special salute commemorating the state’s rising. This gesture should always be returned.
  20. Once you get onto the freeway, just get into the far left lane and stay there. When other drivers pull up behind you trying to pass just ignore them and wait. Soon you will see that you have forced them to dart in and out of traffic to get around you which is much safer for everyone than for you to pull to the right when you have a chance.
  21. If someone cuts you off or wrongs you in any way on the road, be sure to teach them a lesson by getting very angry and staying so all day long.

By following these above listed rules, you can do your part to help keep our rapidly increasing population under control.

Rules for Driving in Big Cities

  • When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
  • Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
  • The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
  • Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
  • Always look both ways when running a red light.
  • Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
  • Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
  • Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk or yell obscenities loudly and chase him back upon the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.

More Bumper Stickers

  • My karma ran over your dogma.
  • Friends don’t let friends drive naked.
  • If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
  • Caution! Driver’s applying make-up
  • CAUTION : Driver Singing
  • The kids drive me crazy, I drive them everywhere
  • Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?
  • If you think I’m a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt
  • Hang up and drive
  • I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. . . Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
  • Evacuate the road!!! STUDENT driving!!
  • It was only a lane change!
  • I drive this way just to piss you off.
  • Go on speeding, we’ll cut you out (of your car) — Your Fire Dept.
  • Go on, I’ll see you at the next traffic light.
  • Get in. Sit down. Shut up. Hang on.
  • Caution I swerve and hit people at random.
  • So many pedestrians, so little time.

License Plates II

  • 76SOFA88 · · · 1976 Olds Delta 88 with bench seat.
  • DE-LIVER · · · paperboy with a liver transplant!
  • 200K+ · · · Cavalier with 207,000 miles on it.
  • ALLOSAUR · · · Dark Green Dodge stretch-stretch van.
  • CHAINSAW · · · on a Chevette.
  • MTHRSHIP · · · on an Olds Delta Royale
  • TANQUE · · · on a hearse (which also had a trailer hitch and a roof rack)!
  • BTSOOM · · · Beats the Sh*t Out Of Me
  • OLDE · · · 1938 La Salle (front tag, 1938 LS)
  • BIGRNU · · · Ford Excursion
  • MIKEY · · · on a catering truck
  • HOT DAMM · · · on a yellow convertible Ferrari
  • LOCKMUP · · · belongs to the jailer for the Craword County Sheriff’s department in Bucyrus, Ohio
  • SINK D 8 · · · lady – poolplayer in Illinois
  • NOCLASS · · · retired teacher in Hailey, Id
  • LV2CZ · · · Love to cruise, in Hampton, Va
  • O PIFFLE · · · Driven by a blue haired (60+) woman in Sun City, AZ
  • MR. · · · on a gynecologist’s Porsche in CA(Missed her period)
  • CCCCCC · · · on the Cadillac of a lovely woman (SEXY)
  • UTARZAN · · · “I pulled up next to a lady one day and said “Hello, Jane!’ She laughed and drove off. My wife asked, ‘How do you know that woman?’ ‘Well…’.”
  • HRTFXER · · · on cardiologist’s vehicle, Baltimore Md
  • TUTHDK · · · on dentist’s vehicle, Baltimore Md
  • ERNDIT · · · on doctor’s vehicle, Baltimore Md
  • BAA BAA · · · on a black Jeep, Adelaide, South Australia

  • GRROOM · · · on a local dog-grooming salon’s utility (pickup truck)
  • PPMD · · · on a urologist’s car. It’s on a Jaguar, of course
  • NT GLTY · · · on a red convertible Porsche, in Maine.
  • DRM STX · · · on a drummer’s car at a Highland Games.
  • 2 A KISS · · · on a Honda Prelude
  • XTRM MOM · · · self-explanatory
  • GR8 NURS · · · great nurse, in Fl
  • YNOT DV8 · · · why not deviate, in Florida
  • SNAAB · · · on the back of a VERY old Saab in North Carolina
  • I SPEED · · · On a red Corvette (This guy’s asking for a ticket.)
  • VDO4U2C · · · On a Washington State van. He rents and sells videos.
  • IETMUF · · · self explanatory, in Hampton, Va
  • 069 YUM · · · On a silver BMW in Ca
  • NE1469 · · · Any One for 69, in Portland, Az
  • 69NE1 · · · Use your imagination.
  • NE1469 · · · in Illinois

License Plates

  • WUF WUF · · · On a Brown Rover
  • KSNKUZNS · · · On the car of married first cousins in the South.
  • 4CEFU · · · Force F*** you. I saw it on a car parked in my development once.
  • 2QT4U · · · 2 Cute for you
  • TUSKY · · · To ski
  • TIHZ O · · · Another one that works in the rear view mirror.
  • 4MYEGO · · · on a Porsche.
  • BSSCLRNT · · · On a professional bass clarinetist’ car.
  • BANDLADY · · · On a high school band teacher’s car.
  • ORFFAN · · · On a car of music educator, who teaches using methods developed by Carl Orff.
  • SEWBIZ · · · the name of my parents’ sewing machine dealership, and they had it on their plates at one time.
  • IDUNTOLU · · · Seen on a school principal’s car. He was in charge of discipline.
  • GGR OOM · · · on a Horse Grooming Company car.
  • PN DCTR · · · on acupuncturist’s car.
  • 6UL DV8 · · · Sexual Deviate (This one almost got through.)
  • JUNK · · · on a 1993 GMC (jimmy). It belongs to me. I’m a recycler of junk metals in Maryland.
  • MNOPAZ · · · on a car that was filled with ladies who all appeared to be in their 50s.
  • PBFT · · · Leadfoot. PB is the chemical symbol for lead
  • SXIZFN · · · Self-explanatory
  • ML8ML8 · · · I’m late, I’m late {for a very important date}, On a white Volkswagen Rabbit.
  • N24PLAY · · · Seen on the street in Wichita
  • FR8TRAIN · · · Freight Train – The nickname of a railroad enthusiast in North Carolina
  • PONU2 · · · P*** on you, too. No explanation necessary.
  • PUR XTC · · · pure ecstasy, on a Porsche
  • HANGMHI · · · hang him high, Plate are on a local Superior Court judge’s Jaguar. This judge is known for being very no-nonsense.
  • NOT OJS · · · on a white Ford Bronco, seen in Virginia.
  • IBCNU · · · a large white Eldorado. It was clean and fancy. Was driven by a HUGE black man with leather, gold chains, in Baltimore, Md.
  • 38DD · · · Years ago, I delivered pizzas regularly in a certain apartment complex, where there was a red sports car always parked with this tag. I’d always assumed the owner was a stripper. (It pays to advertise!)
  • E-I-E-I-O · · · An old farmer in Monmouth County, whose name is really McDonald.
  • BOXDOC · · · A local gynecologist in New Jersey.
  • 3KUM966 · · · use your imagination.
  • BN CATTY · · · Being catty. A Jaguar owned by a cat show judge.
  • 2ISTED · · · Twisted.
  • 2THFARY · · · on a dental hygienist’s car.
  • 2THAKE · · · on a Dentist’s car.
  • 2THFXR · · · tooth fixer, another Dentist
  • ALWAZL8 · · · Always late
  • I B A QT · · · I be a cutie.
  • DRUMLRD · · · Drumlord, on a percussionist’s car
  • IFXOWEZ · · · I fix owies, Pediatric Nurse, and probably a Mommy
  • NOT DADS · · · Seen on a blue new Porsche
  • IC2ITUP · · · I see to it you pee, Urologist’s car
  • PPDOC · · · another urologist in suburban Detroit
  • SMGLR · · · Smuggler, seen on a benz in Miami driven by a Jamaican
  • ASK 412 · · · plates in South Australia
  • I8A4RE · · · I ate a Ferrari, seen on a Vette in Connecticut.
  • B8TZM · · · Beitzem – Yiddish for testicles.
  • BOYCHIK · · · Yiddish for little boy
  • SLAAB and SNAAB · · · both on Saabs.
  • DAVOVO · · · on a Volvo
  • 4NC8TR · · · fornicator, in Ohio
  • ABYNRML · · · abnormal, in Southern Iowa
  • 3M TA3 · · · think how it reads in rear view mirror…
  • 10SNE1 · · · Tennis, anyone?
  • 2C3DCME · · · vision therapist in Colorado
  • BMFD · · · in Central Ill. “Big Mother F—– Deal?” you’d think? NO!! It’s Blue Mound Fire Department! Oy…
  • HAD1B4 · · · On a ’66 Cadillac Convertible RU4692 = Are you for 69, too? On a ’69 Pontiac Convertible.
  • HD GIMP · · · On a Harley (owner uses a wheelchair, also)
  • JAPHOG · · · On a Black / Orange (Harley colors) Honda
  • NTHEDARK · · · In the Dark
  • NTHELITE · · · In the Light. On cars of a person who works at photographic paper manufacturing plant.
  • U4MEME4U · · · Self Explanatory
  • IMGRUMPY · · · Self Explanatory
  • IB6UB9 · · · use your imagination.

Bumper Snickers

  • A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
  • All generalizations are false.
  • All men are idiots, and I married their King.
  • Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…
  • Born free…Taxed to death.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
  • Driver carries no cash. He’s married
  • Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal.
  • Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Hit me, I need the money!
  • Horn broken. Watch for finger.
  • How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
  • HUG A LOGGER–you’ll never go back to trees
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • I brake for no apparent reason.
  • I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  • I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
  • I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
  • I love cats…they taste just like chicken..
  • i souport publik edekashun.
  • I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
  • If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
  • I’m happily married – but my wife isn’t.
  • I’m out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?
  • It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  • It wasn’t actually a divorce – I was traded.
  • Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
  • Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • Montana — At least our cows are sane!
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
  • Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
  • Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  • Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
  • Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
  • Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.
  • Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
  • Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
  • SUPPORT BINGO–keep Grandma off the streets
  • Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
  • Tell me to ‘stuff it’ – I’m a taxidermist.
  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  • Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
  • Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  • We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
  • When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
  • Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  • Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.

Adult Bumper Stickers

  • Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.
  • Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
  • If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
  • Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
  • If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
  • Thank You For Pot Smoking.
  • Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
  • If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
  • The Earth Is Full – Go Home
  • I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha
  • This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me
  • Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
  • If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
  • The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name
  • Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
  • Illiterate? Write For Help
  • Honk If Anything Falls Off
  • He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
  • Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
  • It’s Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
  • I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
  • If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off (Motorcycle)
  • If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You’re Doing It Wrong…
  • Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
  • If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like JabbaThe Hut?
  • Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
  • Ax Me About Ebonics
  • Boldly Going Nowhere
  • Cat: The Other White Meat
  • Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
  • Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That
  • Heart Attacks… God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
  • Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
  • How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
  • If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
  • Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!
  • What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull

Still More Bumper Stickers

  • Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
  • Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
  • God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
  • I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.
  • I wasn’t born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
  • Taxation WITH representation ain’t so fucking hot, either!
  • Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
  • 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.
  • EARTH FIRST! We’ll stripmine the other planets later.
  • Your child may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot.
  • If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
  • Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
  • My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her …or something like that.
  • Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
  • If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy.
  • Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!